If you meet your soulmate on the road

WANTED: New Age Princess Prom Queen to cast a spell on me and make me drool with longing. Scott

by Scott Kalechstein Grace — 

I have always been hooked on soulmates. By the time I saw the play “West Side Story” on Broadway, at age 8, I was already a hopeless romantic, captivated by how Tony and Maria fell in love at first sight. It was a love that transported them above and beyond the cold harshness of their world. In each other’s arms, they found meaning and magic, an antidote to the pain and prejudice around them.

Their story ended in tragedy, but mine would not. Someday I would be led to a mystical connection with my one and only — my soulmate. We would recognize each other instantly and soar into the skies of true love, living happily ever after, flying high above conflicts, car payments and bad morning breath.

Obviously, the soulmate subject had me confused, amused and a little bit nuts. I had a knack for getting involved with radiant, dazzling and breathtakingly beautiful women who were not that into me, and I was crushed when they eventually turned me away.

If you’re getting the sense that I’ve had a tendency for codependency, you’re on the right track. Smoking high drama in relationships was the opiate I used to put loving myself on the back burner. This pattern was very effective at keeping the Country and Western soundtrack of my love-life stuck in a poor-me groove that kept me wishing, hoping, longing, lusting. This is where I was in my emotional journey — hanging out in an extended and suspended period of adolescence, floating in a romantic fantasy-bubble and on a destined collision course with the inevitable meeting of … my soulmate.

Eventually I crashed, hit a very painful bottom and finally got off the roller coaster. With the assistance of Dr. Barbara De Angelis, author of Are You the One for Me?, I took a sober inventory of my entire romantic history. I made a list of all my significant past loves, unrequited or not, noting the character traits that I had found most troublesome. Drawing on the characteristics that repeated themselves, I created what De Angelis calls an “emotional want ad” to help me become aware of the subconscious dilettante that had been doing my matchmaking.

My ad gave me insight and a good laugh. It said: “WANTED: New Age Princess Prom Queen to cast a spell on me and make me drool with longing. You need to stop my heartbeat in a single, adoring gaze, only to withdraw emotionally at the speed of light when I get close. I’ll look at you with puppy-dog eyes while you discuss your feelings about the ex-lover you haven’t quite gotten over yet, or a new man that you just want to ‘explore’ with, or your need to ‘just be friends’ with me. I hate feeling safe, and enjoy sharing enormous challenges and high-speed heart chases. Come, blow my mind and help me feel inadequate. Are you just out of reach, larger than life and incredibly beautiful? Half-wanting an intimate, monogamous relationship? Like long-distance relationships? Then call me now, and make it collect. I’ll accept the charges and a whole lot more. Only spiritually exalted, emotionally unstable women need apply. You’ll be perfect for me, and I’ll be a question mark for you.”

I met Alana a few months after a psychic friend mentioned that I was very close to meeting my life partner. Those were interesting months, during which I looked over my shoulder and around the corner with heightened awareness and adrenaline. Then, while doing a concert tour of Maui, enter the Goddess. Seeing us together, people threw around words like twin flames, life partners and soulmates.

My psychic friend confirmed that Alana was indeed the One, but cautioned me that she needed to have some experiences with other men before being ready for a committed relationship. That part of his counsel went right over my head. It was utterly obvious that our coming together was an extremely close encounter of the celestial kind.

There were some minor challenges, such as living 3,000 miles apart, and the fact that Alana wasn’t into having a monogamous relationship just then. I threw discernment to the wind and jumped right in. But, I had the funny feeling I was forgetting (ignoring?) a few important things — like Earthly gravity: What goes up on this planet does indeed have a habit of coming down. I was also forgetting that slowly is holy when developing a long-term relationship. And I was forgetting to take good emotional care of myself.

Alana was as smitten with me as I with her. We were giddy with passion, wildly intoxicated in love, under the influence without a designated driver. And we were most definitely speeding. But Alana did get involved with other men. In spite of being in tremendous pain, I stuck it out. This was my mate, my one and only, and it would be noble to embrace and endure whatever challenges we encountered on the road to our destined and perfect partnership. After all, I had asked to learn unconditional love. What better way than to get involved with a woman who pushed my deepest buttons? Isn’t that what growth and healing through relationship is all about? No pain, no gain?

I came to realize that unconditional love starts with loving me, and I was not caring for myself by getting emotionally and sexually involved with a woman who wanted to experience the spice of variety with other lovers. After 18 months, we came to the mutual realization that the wisest thing to do was let each other go and have no contact.

Two weeks, later Alana called, professing her love and expressing her willingness to commit. As words and promises that I had desperately wanted to hear for a year and a half were dangled before me, I felt caution in every cell of my body. We had danced those steps before: I moved in close, she spiraled away. I took distance, she reached out and seduced. It was a dance choreographed by our wounds, and I was tired of it.

When I told her that, she said, “But how can we get past our wounds if we avoid the relationship? How can we learn to dance differently if we just get off the dance floor?” Great points, those, and I certainly wrestled them to the ground before deciding what to do. Was I running away from commitment, terrified of real intimacy now that monogamy was finally being offered? Would I be making a mistake that could cost me the connection of a lifetime? I needed some time before I could respond.

The next few days were intense and noisy inside my head. I meditated, prayed and journaled. I consulted with friends, mentors and relationship specialists whom I trusted. Most of all, I waited for inner wisdom and clarity to come. After four days I called her back, declined and let her know that it was not about her. It was the hardest “no” of my life — I had just rejected my soulmate.

What I had gotten clear on was that it was time to work on me. It was time to take a sabbatical from my soulmate quest and devote myself to bonding with numero uno. I wanted to get a handle on the truth that happiness is an inside job, not the result of a romantic relationship. I was yearning to master standing on my own two feet, the most difficult and seldom-practiced yoga posture of all.

My good-bye to Alana was the springboard into a new world. When I chose to put myself first, even if it meant losing what I thought was the love of my life, I began to become intimate with an inner strength I didn’t know I had. And I told my psychic friend, “No more peeking at my romantic future.” While watching a really good movie, why would I want to know what happens next or how it all turns out? This life of mine is an epic cinematic adventure, with twists and turns that are delightfully and appropriately unpredictable.

Alana may well be a soulmate of mine. Her presence, and especially her absence, sparked a deep and abiding commitment to know myself and to be in integrity and harmony with my soul. What could be a greater gift?

Scott Kalechstein Grace is an inspirational speaker, a life coach and a transformational troubadour. He lives with his soulmate and daughter in Marin, Calif., and keynotes worldwide at conferences. In his phone counseling practice, Scott is a relationship specialist, helping both individuals and couples grow into conscious relationship. www.scottsongs.com.

Reprinted from AzNetNews, Volume 29, Number 3, June/July 2010.