Attracting and creating fulfilling relationships

Our intimate relationships are based mostly on fantasy — a subconscious, idealized image and a belief that a partner who matches this fantasy will bring us bliss and fulfillment.

by Sunil Ahuja — 

“It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.” — Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Are you looking for that perfect relationship, or is your present relationship not quite as perfect as you’d like it to be?

Our intimate relationships are based mostly on fantasy — a subconscious, idealized image and a belief that a partner who matches this fantasy will bring us bliss and fulfillment. As a coach, I find myself continuously working with clients who wish to attract a “soul mate” with a long list of attributes and qualities that somehow define the prospective lover as their “type.” The rare client actually questions why the characteristics on this list are important.

Occasionally, through the mysterious workings of the law of attraction, we do meet someone who matches our list and, likewise, we match their conscious or unconscious ideal. We naturally experience the thrill of falling in love and lust, and think it will last forever. Then, inevitably, gaps in the ideal appear, because no real person can ever live up to the fantasies we have developed unconsciously. This is the ego dance.

At this point, you have an opportunity to be real and create an authentic relationship. An authentic, fulfilling relationship comes from fully engaging with and loving the real person, not focusing on a mental image that can never provide what we think we want. Most of us, however, prefer the fantasy to reality, and we either end the relationship or stay in it, but with an undercurrent of dissatisfaction.

As consciousness in physical form, we have two fundamental desires: to become ourselves, whole individuals living and expressing our divine potential, and to be in deep contact with source, with life and with each other. Intimate relationship is the fire in which both of these aspects, the masculine and feminine, emerge and are refined. This development requires a willingness to be present, to be open — mind, heart, body and soul — and to surrender to love itself. This is the soul dance.

The ego dance

In contrast, when we are engaged in the ego dance, we:

  • Remain stuck in our unconscious beliefs about the “ideal” relationship, who we are and who our partners are supposed to be
  • Continue to seek that ideal, without questioning it, and become disappointed when reality does not match our fantasy
  • Project our own sense of deficiency onto our partners, expecting them to somehow complete us, making them responsible for our happiness and refusing to take responsibility for our own growth
  • Adhere to rigid gender identities, with unconscious beliefs and judgments about the opposite sex
  • Protect our self-identities, presenting only our idealized selves to our partners and insisting that they be only who we want them to be
  • Attract and choose partners who conform to our fantasies, and then live in disappointment when the fantasies do not provide the bliss we expected

The soul dance

To shift out of ego and into the soul dance, we must understand how relationships work, why they fail so often and how to consciously attract partners who will grow with us. These are the steps of the soul dance that require that we:

  • Understand that the real purpose of relationships is to help our souls evolve and know themselves, not for our egos to fulfill their fantasies
  • Create self-awareness around our beliefs about the ideal relationship, and realize they are a source of self-defeating frustration
  • Realize that no one can complete us, and that the law of attraction, far from attracting our idealized mate, actually brings us partners who reflect back our beliefs about our perceived deficiencies which helps us see our own growth paths
  • See the masculine-feminine dance in love, recognizing that we all have both aspects of consciousness within us, and learn to develop both polarities
  • Recognize that what we really yearn for is deep connection with self and others, and to be fully present so that our hearts can both authentically touch and be touched
  • Attract and choose partners who will play with us at the depths we are willing and able to play

Changing the steps of your relationship dance is not easy, but the rewards are immense. Lara, a divorced mother of two, is in a new relationship following a long marriage that was based on the traditional ego dance.

She describes how this new relationship is a soul dance: “I feel like I know myself so much more intimately. I feel empowered now, because I know the things my heart is longing for are real, and I can experience true connection and still fully be myself. I know I’m on the right path and positioned perfectly for every intimate connection that unfolds. I am much clearer about what I want to experience and, because of this, there isn’t as much fear about showing him who I really am.”

Relationships, like life, are a developmental process and practice, not an ideal to live up to. Understanding that authentic partnerships must be consciously created and do not appear because you find the “one right mate,” provides the framework from which to begin engaging in the soul dance.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” — Jalal ad-Din Rumi


Sunil Ahuja, MSIA, is the founder of Integral Transformation Systems. He is an Avatar Master, transformational workshop leader and spiritual development coach. 480-314-9281, or

Reprinted from AzNetNews, Volume 28, Number  3, Jun/July 2009.

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