How to lose the weight-loss game

Did you ever stop to consider that maybe you do not really need to lose weight?

by Kristin Cicciarelli — 

Losing weight can be extremely difficult, especially for those with an emotional attachment to food. You would think Americans would be successful at weight loss, considering we spend billions of dollars every year to fund our efforts.

Did you ever stop to consider that maybe you do not really need to lose weight?

Providing you eat healthfully and are physically active, perhaps it is time to stop obsessing over your “perfect weight” and start enjoying your body just the way it is today.

If, however, you actually enjoy self-degradation, here are a few tongue-in-cheek suggestions to keep you going:

1. Set ridiculously high standards that even an Olympic athlete could not meet, such as running 20 miles every day and eating only berries and celery. Fail miserably at these goals and wallow in your failure. Then, eat a bag of chips to make yourself feel better.
2. Become completely self-absorbed. Stop worrying about those poor, starving children in Africa and instead focus on what is really important in life — your giant, flabby thighs.
3. Become an expert on calorie counts. Know exactly how much time you are going to have to spend on the treadmill to burn off that extra pat of butter. Be willing to share this information with all of your friends — ad nauseum.
4. Practice daily self-loathing affirmations like, “Your gut looks like a Sumo wrestler’s,” and “You will never be Jennifer Aniston.” These affirmations may seem silly at first but, if you practice them daily, you will eventually believe them.
5. Keep your mind fresh and young — learn all about the latest diet products and weight loss technologies that assure you are inadequate, and aging is unforgivable. There is always someone who is thinner and younger than you — make sure you are first in line for the next best product or procedure.
6. Find unrealistic role models, such as impossibly thin and surgically altered celebrities, gorgeous freaks of nature and people with eating disorders. Refuse to be happy with your body until it resembles theirs.
7. Eat only foods that you do not particularly enjoy. Eating with a sense of gratitude and pleasure is for weak people with big butts.
8. Buy clothes that are at least two sizes too small. Instead of considering how great your life can be right now, focus only on how great your life will be when you finally drop those last 10 (20, 30, etc.) pounds.
9. Be sure to point out other people’s physical flaws, preferably in a loud voice. By drawing attention to them, fewer people may notice your drooping knees and double chin.
10. Finally, when it comes to weight loss, do everything half-heartedly. Cut back on calories — kind of — for a week or so; then, just blame genetics. Reward your lack of commitment with another bag of chips.

Kristin Cicciarelli, M.A., is a freelance writer in Scottsdale, Ariz. She attended the Cooking and Hospitality Institute of Chicago (Culinary School), is certified in Nutrition for the Foodservice Manager and has worked in the health food industry. kcicciarelli@cox.net.

Reprinted from AzNetNews, Volume 24, Number 6, December 2005/January 2006.