Hypnosis and pre-wedding jitters

Often brides and grooms are overwhelmed before the wedding and forget that this is a celebration of love — a time they should truly enjoy each other.

by Irene Conlan — 

Wedding season is here and many couples have passed the planning stage and are moving rapidly into “final detail” mode. This is where things sometimes start to get sticky. Often brides and grooms are overwhelmed before the wedding and forget that this is a celebration of love — a time they should truly enjoy each other. If you or someone you know are in the throes of wedding planning, but the joy and enjoyment have already disappeared, read further.

The bride’s story: It is the month before the wedding. What seemed fairly simple in the beginning has now morphed into what looks like an insurmountable, out-of-control to-do list. You thought you were organized, but it now seems there are a million details still to be handled. It seems like no one is helping and no one understands. There is too much to do. It costs too much. There is not enough time. And, where is he and why isn’t he helping more?

This may move into: Maybe this is a mistake. Maybe I should call the whole thing off. Maybe I just thought I loved him.

The groom’s story: Things were going pretty well. You nodded your approval for the invitations, made a list of friends and family you wanted to invite and even addressed a few of them. You went with her to choose the venue, hire a minister, select a D.J. or live music, taste cake after cake and look at flowers. You were fitted for the tux and shoes, and you have planned the honeymoon. Now you just need to know when and where to show up. In the meantime you can sit back, watch the game and leave the details to the women.

You begin to notice, however, that your beautiful bride-to-be is getting bossier and more short-tempered every day. She does not say much, but her mood seems to be getting darker, and she’s beginning to look at you like you are from another planet. And you begin to wonder: What’s the problem here? Is this who she really is? Is this what it will be like after we’re married? This thing is getting way out of hand.

And this can start to deteriorate into: This is not what I bargained for. Maybe I am not ready to get married. Maybe she is not the right one for me.

If it gets to this — stop, look, listen!

This is a time of tremendous stress for each of you. Your whole life is about to change, and somewhere inside, regardless of how much you love each other and how long you’ve been together, an alarm goes off. Change of this magnitude often creates fear, and fear causes all kinds of disruption. Every tiny detail is magnified. Emotions are running like a raging river and seemingly cannot be contained. So what do you do?

If you have been together for a number of years, you know how the other functions, and you know you love him or her and have made a commitment to become partners in every sense of the word. When you had a clear mind, you knew this was what you wanted. If this is not the case, then seriously examine the giant step you are about to take so there is not an impasse on the wedding day when one of you chooses not to show up.

You know you want to continue and so:

Bride — Talk to the love of your life. Tell him how you feel. Make it clear what you need him to do. He is generally not unwilling — he just does not know how to help and thinks the best thing to do is just stay out of the way. Tell him you love him and need him. Tell him what you want and need. He cannot intuit this; you have to tell him.

Groom — Listen to her without judgment and without barking orders. Ask her how you can help. Ask her for specific instructions on how she wants it done and what the deadline is. If you do this, you may find she relaxes and realizes that, actually, there is not that much for you to do. The most important thing for you to do is stay calm. Reassure her that you love her more than anything and that all you want is to be married to her.

To both of you — If every tiny detail is not perfect, your wedding will still be wonderful because it is about how much you love each other and not about the tiny details. It is about you. Your guests will notice the love, not the color of the napkins. They will notice the radiance and be pleased that the flowers are nice and the music good. Your guests will notice the look in your eyes when you see each other and really will not care if the bridesmaids did not have matching shoes or perfect hairdos.

Take some time to be with each other, just the two of you. Do not talk about the wedding or what needs to be done during this time. Talk about anything else. Talk about how much you love each other and how special the other is. As they say in sports, “Keep your eyes on the prize.” Soon it will all be over and you can settle into building a wonderful marriage.

If the stress is still overwhelming, find some help. This is a great time to learn self-hypnosis and stress management. You may even need to work on some issues that are beginning to surface — control issues, fear of commitment and poor self esteem, to name a few. A control freak will be stressed to the max by a wedding.

One bride had such serious control issues that she fainted at the rehearsal from shear exhaustion and panic. She did not know how she was going to do all that still had to be done. We assigned all her wedding day jobs to family members and sent her home to bed. The next day she was fine, but worried that everything might not be “perfectly perfect,” as she believed only she could make it. She survived. However, stress management and releasing her need to control would have made her wedding day much more joyful for everyone.

Take some time to care for yourself. Your future together may depend on it.

Irene Conlan has a master’s degree in nursing, is a certified hypnotherapist and a certified past-life regression therapist in Scottsdale, Ariz. www.theselfimprovementblog.com or iconlan@cox.net.

Reprinted from AzNetNews, Volume 26, Number 1, February/March 2007.