When it comes to love, you’ve got to break the rules

Getting rid of your partner does not get rid of the problem, because half of the problem is yours.

by Ada Porat — 

It is easy to fall in love, but very few people know how to stay in love. How can you beat the odds?

More relationships break up because people don’t know how to validate each other. Over time, their pent-up frustration turns into anger. This is truly a shame, because the skills for fighting fair are easy to master with just a little practice and patience.

Getting rid of your partner does not get rid of the problem, because half of the problem is yours. You can walk out on your relationship, but you can’t run away from yourself. Rather than blaming each other, couples can learn how to work as a team, and coach each other through difficulties and power struggles. To do this, a safe relationship must be created, where you can express needs and fears, and learn skills to resolve anger and conflict effectively.

Unresolved anger between people can be caused by a lack of understanding. Men and women have different strengths and weaknesses, different ways of expressing themselves and different childhood wounds they are trying to heal. And yet, when it comes to the need for love and intimacy, we are very much alike; we simply express it in different ways.

Too many people break up before they become a solid couple. At the onset of a relationship or marriage, there’s infatuation and the thrill of the chase. But at some point, things begin to change. One partner may begin to withdraw, leaving the once-pursued confused and insecure. At this point, many relationships end, unless the partners wake up and learn how to navigate through the stalemate.

Every relationship holds the potential for sudden stalemates. These events can actually solidify your partnership if you know what to do. There is no perfect relationship or person out there, so stop looking for perfection and work with the partner you have. Don’t wait for the right time; move now! Every relationship offers us opportunities to perfect our skills and further our personal growth.

The first step in beating the odds is to throw out misguided rules like “Don’t make the first move,” or “Wait at least one week before you call back.” Such rigidity can lead us further away from each other, instead of bringing us together.

To keep your love burning bright, you need to forget about obsolete rules, such as the one that says women should not make the first move. Women are actually more prepared in some ways to make the first move because their socialization makes them comfortable with connection skills.

For single women, make the first move by giving a man your business card or phone number, or inviting him out for coffee or a hike. For married women, make the first move by inviting your husband to a romantic evening or calling him at work to tell him that you are thinking of him.

How about letting go of the old habits and rules that don’t work? Be creative, take the initiative to get things going and then do what works to keep your love going strong.


Ada Porat is an energy kinesiologist and life coach who facilitates personal development through the integration of body, mind and spirit. 602-283-4628 or www.AdaPorat.com.

Reprinted from AzNetNews, Volume 28, Number 2, Apr/May 2009.

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